BEFORE THE BINGE-PURGE CYCLE – THE HEALTHY, ACTIVE YOUNG GIRL

I started life off as a very active, healthy and confident young girl. There was no time to worry about my body or food because I was too busy trying to get the most out of life. I did martial arts, spent 7 years as a ballet dancer and five years horse riding. I also loved to sing and play piano, and performed in musical theatre. The motivation behind these activities was simple. It was pure enjoyment and passion.

THE BODY IMAGE TRIGGER

At age 12, a boy in my class told me I had “thunder thighs”, and that I looked like a whale (I just had very muscly legs from ballet from aged 3, and had started going through puberty).  This confident, strong young girl started to doubt herself, and made a connection between how she looked, and being “liked”.  The arrival of Instagram made this even worse, bringing in the “thigh gap” trend. I started hating my legs, comparing them constantly to other girls and guys my age. I wanted to find a way to shrink them, so I started googling how to lose weight.

THE CADIO AND CALORIE OBSESSION

– WHY ISN’T THIS WORKING?

 I threw myself into learning about weight loss diets and soon came across the “calorie equation”. I downloaded My Fitness Pal, and started tracking my intake and energy output. I’d try my best to keep to my calorie “limit”, whilst used running as a tool to “burn off” the food I had eaten.

 I lost some weight initially, but then it stopped. This was so confusing to me. How is it possible I’m staying the same weight, even though I’m in a 500calorie deficit every day? I kept dropping my carbs lower, and increased my running which lead me to lose my menstrual cycle.

HOW THE BINGE PURGE CYCLE STARTED

I ended up running so much that I created a tear in my hip, which meant I had to stop running all together. Up until this point, I believed the only way I was keeping my weight under control was through running. So how am I supposed to maintain my weight if I can’t run? I decided I would cut ALL carbs from my diet, but this quickly lead to binge episodes, particularly on things like cereal and chocolate. I remember clearly one night I just devoured a whole pizza. The guilt and fear of weight gain was so sever, I wanted to undo what I had just done. Running wasn’t an option, so in secret, I made myself throw up the pizza, thinking this would stop the weight gain from the carbs, and told myself I wouldn’t do it again. I had no idea that this was the beginning of a binge-purge cycle that would have it’s grips on me for the next 5 years. 

As my hip healed, I was soon able to compete in triathlons. I thought it would be easy to just go back to using exercise for weight control, and I could stop the binge-purge habit. But it wasn’t the case. The binge-purging was now my way of coping with stress and anxiety. It was my release from trying to do everything right, and from being so controlled with exercise and food. No one could tell from the outside because I looked like a “healthy fit triathlete”, but I struggled with bulimia through majority of my triathlon years.

HOW I BROKE THE CYCLE

They say sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we make significant changes. I remember hitting this rock bottom, after a full day of binge-purging, feeling disgusting, and thinking “I just can’t do this anymore”. I finally managed to break the cycle in my second to last year of uni, by making the decision to end this war I was having against my body.

Some of the key changes I had to make were:

• Reducing my cadio and adding in more yoga/ beach walks to calm my nervous system
• Adding wholefood carbohydrates and healthy fats back into my diet to balance my blood sugar levels and reduce cravings.
• Deleting My Fitness Pal off my phone
• Removing the weight loss and leg shrinking pressure and focusing on having a healthy body.
• Getting clear on who I wanted to be – I wanted to be a nutritionist and help other women be happy and healthy. For me to do that, I needed to get myself healthy first.

 Self-reflection was also crucial part of this recovery journey. I started tracking my episodes, and made notes in my phone each day to help identify triggers and keep me accountable. It didn’t happen overnight, and there were “withdrawals” and anxiety I had to work through in the process, but I slowly got the episodes down less and less until they were gone completely.

THE BODY BUILDING PHASE

FINALLY FOOD FREEDOM